Birthday, Birthday - Have a lot of Fun

So the sandy fun at Lil's birthday turned into come over to my house and play because the weather was sucky and my daddy doesn't feel good. But it was nice, easy, relaxed type fun. And Lillian did cry...she just doesn't like it when her house gets rearranged and things are too messy, but she was able to recover, and was very happy about having her friends over to play. It was a happy birthday! So here's the photo recap...

The invites


Good Morning Balloon Decorations...aka My Mom is a Dork!




Hats and fishy favors


Sharing some fishy fun...but, all she want's to do is dance!


Lillian with Grandpa Malcolm, Grandma Terry, and Malley...so cute!


Birthday Cake


Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear lillian...


The kidlets...playing together


thanks everybody...



and I leave you with a family shot...my dad, my grandma shirley, my mom, my aunt...it was an extra special treat for us to have papa phil, grandma shirley, and janeann, all here at our house...it makes me happy and it makes grandma shirley happy. I don't know how it happen or why it happen, and I think most people feel this way about their children, but Lillian is really special. She draws you out of yourself and into her world, she really makes so many people feel special and important. I watch her in awe nearly every day, as she connects with people in such a way that as we age, we forget how to do it. But she loves grandma shirley and I feel like when grandma shirley is around her nothing else really matters. My grandma is so wonderful with children...she really is. I know my sister will vouch for me on this one! I just hope that she holds onto that part of herself for her entire life...whether or not grandma knows my name, I want her to look into the eyes of a child and feel the happiness, the hope, the joy...the things that we all forget as we grow older and wiser, at least that's what they tell us...I think that is one piece of the shirl I want to carry forever...her love of children, the way she makes small people feel important...it's a gift she gave me for sure! Thanks grandma shirley, we all love you lots and lots!




hopefully, you are ok with your photos being "out there" if I posted it on here today...if not, please let me know, and if you want to see more of uncle tim and aunt greta's awesome photos from Lillian's birthday please let me know and I will send them your way...those two really are an amazingly artist team. They do great work...thanks for reading...xo -ab

Silly Lilly

Tomorrow my baby girl turns 2! I cannot believe it...I also cannot believe I am posting this right now when I have about 1 million things to do for her small little party tomorrow. She is very very excited about her birthday, and I (we, her daddy is helping tons) are trying to make her day very special with little special bits that we can do each year. So for now...here's some photos of my little miss...then and now...I will post tons of birthday fun photos tomorrow night-ish. Love and kisses to you all...ab

That's my baby...Happy Birthday


On her 1st birthday


Here she is...now....turning 2 tomorrow...so crazy in love with her

Guess Who

5 Buncos, 2 wipeouts, and a baby...

and I won $40 bucks. It was a big day for Mrs. Brown today. It was bunco night, in case you didn't figure that out already, and it was a big day. And the stars were aligned, the moon was right, and it was all good...at least I am hoping so...

My five (5) buncos...
Cheers, it was a lucky bunco night for me, five bunco, which won me the $40 bucks, with a $10 buy in, but who cares about that part...anyway I decided to dedicate each one to someone for something that left a mark tonight...

For the Golden Margaritas...from Jose Cuervo
Try it, you'll like it, try it, you'll like it...there's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy...really, try it, you will like it...yummy yummy...I know bad place to start, but nothing starts off this blog better than a good drink...


For my sister Greta, who is so solid when I need her. She rocks my socks and even when I give her a hard time it comes from love, and regardless of the situation, I know that she will always be on my team, and that counts more than anything...so G-love sorry I joked you tonight (and every other night that I do) but remember, I love you no matter what, you are my people

For Lani, for reading my blog, for feeling my pain, and for being woman enough to say something about it. Lani, you rock, I feel so lucky to be your friend, because truly you are my sister's friend...but I like you lots and I admire and respect you. I think you are amazing, and I celebrate you for being you...regardless. And it makes me happy to see you in a place where you do the same thing. You are one of a kind.

For my friend Nikki...I know you don't play bunco with us, but if you lived here you know I would make you play. I love you so much. I am happy when I read you comments, and I think of you all the time. You are etched in Lillian brain forever, New York City, Nikki, Derek and Duece are a part of her memory...she runs though it ever night before she falls asleep...and I am excited for you guys and your baby boy...

And for Courtney, for hosting us tonight, for letting me be loud in your house. For having a perseceptive and an angle on life. I love you and your boys, and I love watching you all be together, Michael, too, of course. It makes me want to tie you all up in a bow and just take you home...

2 wipeouts...
for watching my uncle today...watching as he let go of all his feelings. Watching him feel all his feeling...it made my heart hurt, but at the same time I am happy. These are the right feelings to be feeling, and it's ok for everyone to express them as they wish. And it made me see my grandma shirley again. I still see parts of her every time we visit, but today I saw more of her, the whole her. I saw her be mommy to her son, as he was sad, and it made her sad, but that was ok, because part of healing is being sad, it is expressing your feeling, and I got to watch and help heal, at least I hope I helped. But I am happy about the choice my father has made and I support him. He is my dad after all, whose side did you really think I would be on?

for my husband, who crunched the car in front of him as he was getting off the freeway...coming home so I could go play the buncos...minor, but still a sucky bummer...

1 baby...
Little Mr. Bunco baby born on bunco night and a boy at that....and I kept saying it was a girl, but as Greta pointed out it had to be a boy, and it did...coming full circle really is special. What a lucky boy...congrats to the new parents, you did great work! And we all cheered, and had goosebumps...his entrance made us all feel special...

love you all....thanks for reading...now leave a comment so I know you are there. Writing, putting it into words that others read, it feels good, and it makes me feel better...xo -ab

The Grind

...it happened. Back to work, and quickly, I fall back into the daily grind. And I only work 3 days a week, and only part time at that, but the predicable pattern of my life is back, and I actually welcome it. Today was one of my days off...so we did some fun stuff, running to the market, walking to the park, and I even managed to get grandma joanie to come over and babysit so I could get my hair done. Hooray!

Something about knowing what to expect each day makes life ok, even thought it's not spontaneous or even overly exciting...it's definitely a life I enjoy living. I have even found some time to create my list of things I would like to do...make felt food for lil's kitchen (hopefully, some will be crafted from recycled wool sweaters...time will tell), train elliptically (got to buy that thing), craft some surprises for Lil's birthday (better start working on that)...now I just need to get by butt in the garage...

Speaking of assets, here's a photo that Lillian took of me the other day...of her Mommy's best feature...I do love my legs!


And here's what Lillian picked out to wear that same day...Pretty cute, huh? Got to love shorts when it's raining...babylegs did save the day!


Things are just moving along, at a pace I enjoy, without extraneous stress...I'm loving it...xo-ab

PS - Things with my grandma are great. Her children are rallying around her, she is feeling lifted by their energy and gaining back her sense of silly sassyness. It feels like the weigh I was carrying has been lifted, and I no longer cringe when my cell phone rings. Hopefully, we can find a fix to this situation that keeps things going in this direction, it looks pretty good!

PPS - only because it makes me laugh


PPPS - I never did this video, I swear, but I did have a crush on Eric when he was on Real World...I was young, what can I say.

Holiday Recap

So, as the big things of a day become the small things a life, I am able to look back on the holiday and feel happy. I didn't do all the things I had hoped to do, my two week break goes by so quickly and the action items switched, but now I have plans and crafts to work on all year long. So, here's a look at the highlights of our Christmas 2007...

Encinitas Christmas Parade...sharing a chair with a finny friend


Holiday Windows at Saks in New York City, they were really awesome, especially since I heart snowmen.


After Santa's came...


Christmas morning...


Christmas Day family beach walk



Her Christmas Present Fortress at Grandma Malcolm's


The Wild Animal Park's Festival of Lights...not the best photo, but proof none the less...great family fun!


It really is all about family. Sometimes in the this, that, and the other, I lose my focus. My family comes first, and it always will. I put my family first today, letting go of something that has defined me for a long time, and it feels great. Happy 2008! xo -ab

Swings

I love swings, I really do. There is something so peaceful and soothing in swinging. Tonight, Lillian demanded that we go to the park, even though it was nearly dark, so we drove, even though it's just down the street, and played at the park. And as the sun was setting, we were swinging together on the swings, her legs wrapped around mine, and it just made everything go away. The sky was beautiful with dark and light colored clouds, the air calm, an occasional bird flying by and it made me feel better. It also made Lil happy and that always makes me happy.

The doctor visit with Grandma Shirley went OK today. I did cry, but mostly because the nurse, who is also a friend from high school, started to get teary. She also loves the Shirl, and it hurt her to see her in her current state, but hopefully we can make the best of it. I guess we will just wait and see.

In the meantime, you might just find me in line at the swing set. Hey, get off my toilet.
xo -ab

Dignity and Respect…

It’s funny, because I thought that if I did ever start my own blog, I would be starting from a different angle, chatting about my wonderful daughter or my great husband, but instead I am pondering life from a different place right now. My grandma, who I think and I have always thought, is/was the shit…is losing her shit, and it is a sad thing to watch. It hurts my feeling in places I forgot I had feeling, but I know it will be ok, as all things in life always are ok, but it will forever change the way I think about people and relationships. It is consuming me, the thoughts of my grandma, who has always been sharp, sassy, smart, and silly, who is suddenly none of those things, instead she is sad, sulky, shy…and yes I choose words that start with S not only because she is Shirley, my grandma Shirley, but because they describe her and to me they seem fit. And as she slowly starts to lose her mind, and forgets so many little things, and become so insecure, she always looks at me and says thank you, and it makes me so sad because I wonder does my dad want to hear her say those things, does my aunt want to hear her say those things…apparently not. They are ostriches, heads buried in the sand. And my uncle, who is often the butt of everyone’s jokes, the one who cannot manage his finances, they one who has always done everything wrong (in their eyes), is there with my grandma, every day and every night having Cheerios and chatting, and where are they?

It has been a very unmerry Christmas. I accepted the motto this year…Christmas Sucks! Whether it was with my family or Jeff’s family it sucked, not because his family sucks, more because of the cloud looming over my head. The timing is never right for kids, the overindulgences of gifts, the lack of Christmas craft, the location for Christmas eve, none of it was right this year…so we just accepted the fact that Christmas Sucks…at least this year. But to sidebar for a moment, Lillian loves her kitchen that Santa brought…in the front door. She plays with it every day, she loves to wash her hands, cook the food, feed me and Jeff cake, shuggle her fruits and veggies in her fry pan, she loves it all. She was truly the perfect age for Christmas this year, she loved every bit of it, well except our Christmas party, but that’s another story…she can tell you who had icicle lights, she can sing a great rendition of Ringle Bells, she can tell you what Santa says, the whole bit...so really my Christmas was not that unmerry. Watching the excitement in my daughter’s eyes made all the other worries and stresses disappear…I guess I am also fairly good at compartmentalize things…organized piles of shit, that’s what I am good at…ask my mom!

So, sidebar after sidebar, I am here to blog, and it feels good to let the words and feelings out, and I also know that only my sister will read this…and tomorrow I will face the authority figure of my grandma’s doctor with her. I know that she is scared, and I am sure that I will cry…I always cry when talking to an authority figure, it’s a given. I just hope we can find a way to at least make her want to be social and silly again, I cannot stand the thought of her just sitting in her bed trying to sleep her days away, hoping to die…and I read the Alzheimer’s websites and it only makes it worse. I cannot image how horrible it must be to know that you are losing your mind but you cannot control it and to want to die because the other option is so horribly depressing that it hurts your own feelings so bad…having some care for you, as an adult, in every function…from tooth brushing to going to bed…it makes me want to find a way to let her die, but I don’t know how and I am not strong enough to hold the pillow over her face to smoother her like she truly would like me to.

I love my grandma Shirley very much. The lesson she has taught me are immeasurable. I am also thankful to be the “chosen” one, even though it is extremely emotional and difficult for me, it is making me a better person, and I am lucky for having that relationship with her, one that no one else has…and she still makes me laugh, I have a kinship with her…she’s my Shirl…and she still makes me laugh, even when I am crying. The other day as Greta and I were trying to organize all her things we found a bumper sticker in her file drawers…”Oh all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most” I hung it on her mirror, she must have seen this coming…and I just hope she can be ok with it. I also hope that I can be ok with it…but I am sure I will be ok…xo -ab