Dignity and Respect…

It’s funny, because I thought that if I did ever start my own blog, I would be starting from a different angle, chatting about my wonderful daughter or my great husband, but instead I am pondering life from a different place right now. My grandma, who I think and I have always thought, is/was the shit…is losing her shit, and it is a sad thing to watch. It hurts my feeling in places I forgot I had feeling, but I know it will be ok, as all things in life always are ok, but it will forever change the way I think about people and relationships. It is consuming me, the thoughts of my grandma, who has always been sharp, sassy, smart, and silly, who is suddenly none of those things, instead she is sad, sulky, shy…and yes I choose words that start with S not only because she is Shirley, my grandma Shirley, but because they describe her and to me they seem fit. And as she slowly starts to lose her mind, and forgets so many little things, and become so insecure, she always looks at me and says thank you, and it makes me so sad because I wonder does my dad want to hear her say those things, does my aunt want to hear her say those things…apparently not. They are ostriches, heads buried in the sand. And my uncle, who is often the butt of everyone’s jokes, the one who cannot manage his finances, they one who has always done everything wrong (in their eyes), is there with my grandma, every day and every night having Cheerios and chatting, and where are they?

It has been a very unmerry Christmas. I accepted the motto this year…Christmas Sucks! Whether it was with my family or Jeff’s family it sucked, not because his family sucks, more because of the cloud looming over my head. The timing is never right for kids, the overindulgences of gifts, the lack of Christmas craft, the location for Christmas eve, none of it was right this year…so we just accepted the fact that Christmas Sucks…at least this year. But to sidebar for a moment, Lillian loves her kitchen that Santa brought…in the front door. She plays with it every day, she loves to wash her hands, cook the food, feed me and Jeff cake, shuggle her fruits and veggies in her fry pan, she loves it all. She was truly the perfect age for Christmas this year, she loved every bit of it, well except our Christmas party, but that’s another story…she can tell you who had icicle lights, she can sing a great rendition of Ringle Bells, she can tell you what Santa says, the whole bit...so really my Christmas was not that unmerry. Watching the excitement in my daughter’s eyes made all the other worries and stresses disappear…I guess I am also fairly good at compartmentalize things…organized piles of shit, that’s what I am good at…ask my mom!

So, sidebar after sidebar, I am here to blog, and it feels good to let the words and feelings out, and I also know that only my sister will read this…and tomorrow I will face the authority figure of my grandma’s doctor with her. I know that she is scared, and I am sure that I will cry…I always cry when talking to an authority figure, it’s a given. I just hope we can find a way to at least make her want to be social and silly again, I cannot stand the thought of her just sitting in her bed trying to sleep her days away, hoping to die…and I read the Alzheimer’s websites and it only makes it worse. I cannot image how horrible it must be to know that you are losing your mind but you cannot control it and to want to die because the other option is so horribly depressing that it hurts your own feelings so bad…having some care for you, as an adult, in every function…from tooth brushing to going to bed…it makes me want to find a way to let her die, but I don’t know how and I am not strong enough to hold the pillow over her face to smoother her like she truly would like me to.

I love my grandma Shirley very much. The lesson she has taught me are immeasurable. I am also thankful to be the “chosen” one, even though it is extremely emotional and difficult for me, it is making me a better person, and I am lucky for having that relationship with her, one that no one else has…and she still makes me laugh, I have a kinship with her…she’s my Shirl…and she still makes me laugh, even when I am crying. The other day as Greta and I were trying to organize all her things we found a bumper sticker in her file drawers…”Oh all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most” I hung it on her mirror, she must have seen this coming…and I just hope she can be ok with it. I also hope that I can be ok with it…but I am sure I will be ok…xo -ab